The Elgin Marvels Advent Calendar Part One (of Seven)

A book at bedtime for adults.

‘It takes many layers to make the fabric of society.

These are the stories of everyday abnormal people,

whose fabric is getting a right unpicking…………..

And you think you’re having a bad day?’






written and voiced Jon Patrick

With guest voices from Neil Long,

Elaine & Graeme Blackmore.

Welcome one and all! Tis soon the season to be jolly! HO, HO, HO!


The Goodies (Sort of)

The Main Suspects:

Richard Belkin – Despite colliding head first into his twenties, Richard has a proclivity for pyrotechnics that is legendary in Elgin Road. Many of the residents are extremely concerned about this unhealthy, for them obsession. He also loves to terrorise his father, Kenneth.

Pat Denning – Pat is the unofficial leader of the main suspects. He shares Richard’s love for a damn fine bang! (They all do, the neighbourhood, does not!) Pat has no off switch. Unfortunately, he has a terrible gift for inappropriate words which will lead to consequences, for others.

Paul Ellerby– Paul is Pat Denning’s best mate, which means he’s forced to suffer some of the previously mentioned consequences.  He’s happy to be a member of the Cuss Masters, but he harbours a desire to study piano with the greats. He is sensitive, but he keeps that hidden from his less than sensitive mates.

The Cuss Masters– Pat Denning writes terrible lyrics, taking well known songs, bastardising the words to unleash disgusting puerility, on an online world. Despite political correctness, woke-ism and changing attitudes, the Cuss Masters are fast becoming the most watched on the current technology of the day.

Sarah Fettle– A teenager the Belkin’s met and became friends with in chapter one. (Dungkirk) Sarah now makes videos for the Cuss masters. The more out of order, the better. Along with the Cuss masters, Sarah’s films are and will have consequences, once again for others.

Stephan Labelle– Whilst the Labelle family are in Canada, climbing a family tree, Stephan hosts the November 5th Party. To the main suspects absolute delight, this firework fiasco ends in a charge, designed to shift underwater wrecks, causing terrible consequences.  (Yes, you’ve guessed it, for others) He’s an engineer, a scientist and one day he just might grow up.

Kenneth Belkin– Father of two sons, Kenneth is trapped in the body of a Victorian gentleman. He believes in hard work, sense, and sensibility, morals and God. Richard Belkin, his first born, does not!

Pamela Belkin– Wife of Kenneth, mother of Richard and Paul. Pamela has an uncanny likeness to the late Queen Elizabeth 2ND; She also has a corgi. (Who requires therapy) She tries her very best to keep the family together, (Pamela not the corgi) all she wants is normality. (Good luck with that Pamela)

Alouicious Jebidiah Wellesley– Alouicious, originally from Jamaica he has made his home in Elgin Road with his wife Delores. (A midwife) They have raised two sons, now medics in the British Army. His very presence fills people with positivity. It’s a complete mystery what he actually does, but the Roman Catholic church as well as the British Government have requested his help in the past, for certain sensitive issues. They will again.

Alouicious is the leader of The Nation, best mates with Ian Bates, the master builder.

Ian Bates– A master builder, a family man who runs his own building firm alongside Russel Feilding. (He’s known Russ since his school days. (Which has no relevance to this story) Ian is also best mates with Alouicious. (Which very much does, the relevance that is.)

Brian and Stella Battersby– Brian is an ex – copper. Since his ‘early retirement,’ some years ago now, Brian has become bitter and twisted. He’s had all the windows in their house changed so, now he can look out into the world, but the world cannot look into him. He’s obsessed that the neighbours are all up to something and writes reports about them whilst he spies, without looking down. He is also sexually repressed, ever since his ‘early retirement.’

Stella, his wife has lived a physically barren life for many frustrating years. Brian refuses any help whatsoever and the thought of counselling terrifies Brian. (Although he’d never admit it.)

Due to a rather unfortunate dinner party at the Belkin’s house. (Chapter Two-Sex, drugs, and Casseroles) Stella discovers, the answer to her frustration. After Alan Belkin becomes an apoplectic adolescent, he rebels and adds a large bag of Marijuana into the lamb casserole. The guests are affected in differing ways. For Brian, it turns him into a sex god, all repression is swept aside whilst he’s under the influence. The one problem for Stella is he can’t remember a thing the next day. His mind is a complete, albeit slightly fuzzy mess.

Stella keeps all of this a secret but it gnaws away at her. She shares this after an emotional break down, with Doctor Granger, Ian, and Russel’s wife, as well as everyone who inadvertently over hear this when they are evacuated to the leisure centre. (Chapter Three Brimstones and Laxatives)

Father Simmons and Mother Mary– The local Roman Catholic priest and Mother superior, who are forced to recruit Alouicious and the Nation, when the Gang of Saints (Stayley, Gregson & Ratcliffe Harper return to finish a terrible plan over forty years in the making. Father Simmons just wants a quiet life, good luck with that.

Clarence Forthrop– Clarence specialised in ancient and forgotten crafts with wood and glass. He is hired to build a stained-glass window for a bunch of psychopathic nutters. It does not end well.

Alistair– A man with two minds, and they talk to each other, medication permitting.

Alison Craddock– The architect of all this, not that she meant any of this to happen. Alison perfected genetic tinkering back in the 70’s. This was long before anyone else had perfected it, but when two of Alison’s early experiments are stolen, in Dec 1981, something is released into the world that has no damn place being there.

The Nation- A local club, made up of the residents of Elgin and the Sainted roads. They help the local community and beyond. Their members consist of, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Roman Catholics. In fact any culture or denomination is welcome, as long as they aren’t psychopathic nutters.


The Gang of Saints– A bunch of psychopathic nutters.

(Roman Catholic)

Over 40 years ago The Gang of Saints were nine. Now there are three, the other six are residence who just want to raise money to fix the church roof. (That was damaged in the pipe incident, courtesy of the main suspects. Chapter Three Brimstones and Laxatives)